Shiur with Dr Yaakov Friedman

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Sam. Sa. Ra. [00:04:15] Speaker B: Ram ram. [00:05:19] Speaker A: Sam ram [00:06:24] Speaker C: sa. Okay, we're going to start off. We're going to start off with purity of speech, because it's probably going to be difficult to make sure that we do this at the end of Shir, especially today, having Dr. Friedman, which we'll talk about in a second. But there's no greater time to begin with. Deborah. The speech, which is, as the Targum in Bresha says, vaihi Adam, which is a person's speech, is so, so powerful. It basically can describe how a person is, how a person speaks before you hear someone. I'm not talking about speaking as a speech. I'm saying when you're talking with someone and you hear who they are, you can't tell who a person is the second you hear how they talk, what they talk about, what their. What their quality of speech, what they don't talk about, what they do talk about. So, as we've said, and we say many times, the Chavez Chaim promises us. He gives us a promise if we learn the sefer on a daily basis, so our Yetzer hara for Lashon Hara will become smaller until it will eventually leave him completely. And just to talk out a little bit of current events, you know, people want to know about the voting that goes on in America, the voting that's going on in Eretz Yisrael and this and this politician. And if we have this prime minister, we have this president, and we all know that the power of the Jewish people, the power of us and the power of everything, is the koach of the mouth, our Torah, our Tefillah, the power of what's going to be for our future is not something in the hands of politicians or who somebody votes for, who someone doesn't vote for. It's all us. It's all us here. How we can strengthen our Tefillah, how we can strengthen our Torah. And of course, how we could strengthen only speaking the beauty and seeing the good in each other. So the Chavetz Chaim tells us this is what we can do. So believe it or not, to say that a book or a newspaper or a publication written by a Jew is boring. Or lately the articles in that newspaper are not interesting, or the school put up such an unprofessional play. Or what a silly song. What? I don't like that song. Believe it or not, that is lush and hara. You can't say if you listen to a song we were just singing, it's actually tonight. So a person can't say, oh, I don't like this song. I like this song. I don't like this song. It's very now. Oh, it's a shiloh. What about Drake? Is that Lush and Hara? What's up? What about Drake? So is that Lashon Hara? I don't know. I don't know. He's a yid. That's why I'm asking. Okay. I don't know. See a 10x in Israel. I'm just asking the question. I'm just asking. I'm just asking the question. I'm just asking the question because why it could be. I don't know. I don't know. [00:10:55] Speaker D: Why is it no, why is he a question? [00:10:58] Speaker C: I don't know. I'm saying could be somebody does know, but I don't know. I don't know. I don't have. I can't give up stock. I would just say. I would just say. I would just say. I would just say. I'll tell you. I'll tell all I would. All I would say is. All I would say is it's a good question. I think it's a good question. I don't have the. I don't have the answer. We could go into it. It's not the forum for now. I just wanted. Yeah, I just. Because we're talking about being careful. If a song that you say, oh, I don't like this song on the album, or I do like this song, that is pure Lashen Hara. If you're saying it about, I don't know, Mordecai Shapiro, Benny Friedman, and even speaking. What you're not allowed to talk. What, you could have an opinion, but it could still be lush and hara. Just because I have an opinion doesn't mean it's not [00:12:05] Speaker E: my style. It's not my style of song. [00:12:08] Speaker C: So again, the key is no, that's again, you want to be. You want to be careful. What are you going to do if you're right? You're. You're. Someone serves chicken soup Friday night and you tell the hostess, not my style of chicken soup. She might be offended. So now again, are there ways. Are there ways to talk right as you're asking. Oh, but it's my opinion. So that means I can't say anything. That means I can't talk. The answer is we have to be careful as we know. That's why we have two ears and one mouth. Okay. We should all be zocha. What? Good question. You could have an opinion. You just have to be careful sharing your opinion. What's the question? Okay. Good. We're gonna segue. We're gonna segue. [00:13:02] Speaker F: I'm in the car and he's playing this music. If you want [00:13:04] Speaker C: to say, can we play another song? But you have to be careful. That's all. You have to be careful what comes out of your mouth. You have to be careful what comes out of your mouth. Okay. There you go. That was here. [00:13:25] Speaker G: This stupid photo I have. [00:13:30] Speaker C: The person's not good. So if you say that to someone else, that would be laughing at her also. [00:13:39] Speaker F: No, he's saying when you tell him. [00:13:45] Speaker C: Good, good. The bottom line is. The bottom line is, as we'll segue to Dr. Friedman, the bottom line is, is that it's very good for a person to be. To think twice. What's the line? I think it says, better to be thought of a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubts. Right. So it's good to be thought. You like that one, Avi, Right? It's true. So before a person talks, to be very careful. Okay. It's a tremendous honor. It's a tremendous Honor to have Dr. Friedman here. I don't want to take up so much time because I really want to hear from Dr. Friedman. One thing I do want to say. I want to say two things. I want to say two things. If guys just hold over. I want to say. I want to say Two things about Dr. Friedman, just to share. The first thing is that any person who I spoke about it this morning with some of the Chevra to go to. I don't know what it is to go to medical school. To go to medical school is a traumatic experience. To go to medical school is a commitment, is something that is very, very powerful. It's a very strong thing to commit. At least, I would assume at least eight years of your life to just begin the process, whatever, however that works, to be a psychiatrist, to go whatever the accolades and however work, the work that Dr. Friedman has put in to go to school and to make a Kiddush hashem for Klal Yisroel. When the Rambam was a doctor, Maimonides, the Rambam was a doctor. To be a professional Jew, to be a Jew who follows the Shulchan Arach and who's a Kiddush hashem and to help people, to help Klaus role as Ghazal say Muggin Abraham, Becha Chosmin, which is very relevant to the Parshius, which is the Gula, is going to come from Avramavinu. Avraham. Avinu is chesed. Avraham Avinu represents, we say, for every one of us to meet someone who's a little bit older than us, a lot of people say, oh, so what am I going to do? So I'm in yeshiva, so I'm going to learn in koil. I'm going to be a rebbe. No, I'm going to make a lot of money. I'm going to do whatever I'm going to do. When your malacha is called shahid to ferris, the tiferas, lehman ha'. Adam. When a person has a umness as someone who's, who's, what he's doing for his life is helping other people, helping people, helping the Jewish people, helping any yid, any yid, helping any person, for that matter, and going to school and dedicating yourself, that to me is very, very, very respectful. I, I, I have a lot of honor for someone who's done that. The second part, and again, this Miksa shmachai. And then I really want to ask Dr. Freeman questions because Dr. Freeman's a psychiatrist, which is inclusive of a therapist, a psychologist, which obviously I don't know as much as, not nearly as much as Dr. Friedman knows about it. The second thing I want to say is that we are blessed to be part of a generation of healing. The previous generations, I don't think, had the luxury or the, whatever it is, the ability that we have and the blessing that we have to be in a generation of healing, of learning how to heal from trauma, to learn how to heal from our challenges, our emotional challenges that we have. As one of the Tzadikim said, incredible. One of the Tzadikim said. One of the Tzadikim said that I'll just, this is parenthetical, but it's, but it's powerful. One of the Tzadikim said that gehennim is not physical pain, because it's not physical, but it's emotional. It's an emotional or a cognitive or an emotional pain. And that's why in our generation, where there's a lot of emotional and cognitive suffering, a lot of people suffer in their brains, and a lot of people suffer. Many times when I speak to people, I ask them, so where is it hurting you? Is it hurting you? And I'm not a therapist, I'm not a psychiatrist, but you say, does it hurt you in your head or it hurts you in your, in your chest, in your stomach area? And that, that pain that is, they say, the Tzadikim say that that is a kapara. It's A kapara, which I want to hear from the doctor, what he says about those things. And for us to be in a generation of that, we could talk about healing and to have someone like Dr. Friedman, who I believe. I'm not trying to praise him so much. I just want to give context to what we're about to talk about and hear, you know, you hear of great people. Rabbi Abraham, we sing a song every day. Yeshia sameachosecha. Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twersky, who in my day, just to tell you, when I was in yeshiva, Rabbi Dr. Torsky, okay. He was a psychiatrist, also. A tremendous person, the Hashpa, the influence that he had on the Jewish people to this day is tremendous. I have no doubt, I have no doubt that Baruch Hashem, Dr. Friedman, were blessed to have a person who went. I'm not going to sit there. You could look up where he went to school. I think you're right. You were in Harvard. Not that Harvard is right. Not that Harvard's a crazy place, but at the end of the day, it shows the dedication and it shows the expertise of someone. And we're Blessed to have Dr. Friedman part of our community, part of the Orthodox, the Jewish community. And we're blessed to have him here in Yeshiva. I'm going to be sitting over here because I'd like to ask some questions as well. I want to be part of the crowd over here. Dr. Freeman, it's an honor to have you. And I really want to. Dr. Freeman is going to start. I know I have one major question that I'm going to wait until he's ready for. I'm going to go first because I have a question that just came up that I want to. That I want to ask your opinion about. But thank you for being here. Thank you. [00:20:54] Speaker H: I really just want to, first off, start by saying that there's a lot of humility that just happened where Roshi Shiva Shlita said that he doesn't know too much. And what do I know? And I don't really think that's true. I don't think any of us think that's true. The Boston Rebbe's all said that psychiatrists, they're not psychiatrists, they're cardiologists. They heal the heart. Said rebbes are the psychiatrists. So that's for sure. And for me, this is very much coming home. I'm seeing a lot of familiar faces and a lot of faces that I feel bad that they're not more familiar because everybody here is a very, very holy, special person. Some of you guys know me. Some of you guys know my kids from the past few summers at camp. And a lot of times the guys will come up and ask my kids, you know, what's it like to have the doc as a dad? And most of the time, they'll say something a bit wise cracky like, well, he's the only dad I got, so I don't know. And then they'll say something like, well, you know, thanks for, you know, being there so that way you're dead. Could know how to help us out. And I always tell them like, man, thank these guys. So that way I know how to be a decent dad. And that's the truth. I got a lot of karas atof to all you guys for showing me how to respect somebody in their process and how to know that inevitably things are gonna turn out okay. I mean, look, 10, 20 years ahead. You guys are all doing great stuff. It's not even a question. We don't have to talk about statistics and predictive models to know that everybody here is going to be okay. My story with Waterbury goes back way, way back. I actually knew a bunch of the guys who were there over 20 years ago. 20 years ago about. And they're all nice guys. They're married, they have families, they have jobs, they learn. They still do kumsets. They're good guys, and you guys are all going to be great. So really, I'm in an interesting place because as I was driving over, I got a phone call from a really interesting organization called Just one Hessed. My thought is, y' all are lazy because you just do one. Like, that's ridiculous. And then you're just patting yourself on the back about it years later that you did one chesed. That's lazy. That's ridiculous. And just move on. Do something else good. Plus, don't brag about it. That's absurd. But one of the things that the guy asked me because he wants me to go ahead and talk with some folks over there was, you know, how did you get into doing what you do? And I got a bunch of crazy stories, obviously not just about my work, but about how I ended up doing this because, like, why couldn't I just be a cardiologist who's actually a cardiologist? Like, why do I have to be a psychiatrist who's a cardiologist? That's kind of weird. And, yeah, how did I end up doing this? It's really. I wanted to prepare to give over the truth to these guys, but I thought that it would be not the right guys to hear that truth, per se. Because the reason that I'm a psychiatrist is, you know, probably summarized in three stories. And maybe they're not so appropriate for folks that haven't had some of the experiences that a lot of folks here have had. So I can say them quick, I can say them long, and, you know, maybe they'll seem a lot longer if they ring a bell, and maybe they'll seem a lot quicker if people don't think they're interesting and I just decide to make them faster. But I think about my work, working with people that have had a tough time, and how I ended up being a psychiatrist. I got a couple of really easy answers. Two days before my bar mitzvah, my uncle, who used to live with us, was found dead. He had probably overdosed or killed himself. And then I had, like, a bar mitzvah two days later. So that was weird. And obviously, that kind of left. Left a mark. And I was like, hey, that's weird, because I learned about death two days before I learned about being a man. And, you know, ideally, you're a man before you have to start thinking about death. And then when I was in med school and I thought I'd lived through that, trauma guy that used to be on my basketball team when I was a kid cut off his mom's head at a Dunkin Donuts. That's a true story. You can Google it if you want. I wouldn't, because you probably have nightmares. I mean, I already said it. And you're like, well, did he order the food first or afterwards? And then, like, did he have to pay if he was waiting in line? Because, like, if you just saw a guy cut off his mom's head at a Dunkin Donuts, you wouldn't be like, that's 299. You just give it to him. You'd be like, man, it's yours. You've had a hard day. Just have a donut. Maybe it'll turn out better. It didn't. I mean, yeah. I mean, you know, bringing food. Exactly. Poor guy. And that was like, one of my best buds, my buddy Nate, who's a great basketball player. He could dunk. That was pretty cool. You know, if you know a guy who can dunk, where's Eliabutas? I mean, it's cool that you guys know him. Like, he can dunk, and if you're playing basketball and you're on his team, you don't have to do anything. He can just dunk. And you can be like, yeah, man, we nailed it. Like, we did great today. So, you know, that was weird to just get that phone call and then to be like, I'm gonna visit my bud because he's still my bud. But, like, then you just presumably can't walk into a maximum security jail and visit your bud. So that was when I was thinking about doing psychiatry too. But I think the real story is a bit further back. And the real story is an interesting one because I heard the real story from a very famous psychologist. So there was a very famous psychologist who came to lecture to us when I was in my training. So they bring in all the big professors, they brought in the guy who's the world's expert in obsessive compulsive disorder, whatever that might be. They bring in the world's expert in alcoholism, whatever that might be. Now, what's interesting about the world's expert in alcoholism is he is a Japanese man who has a liver enzyme disorder that's very common in Japanese men, whereby if he smells alcohol, he's drunk for like three weeks. And when he was lecturing to us and he was explaining about how different people's bodies metabolize alcohol in different ways, I was like, do you have that gene? And he goes, why? And I said, well, you know, if you had that gene whereby you can't have fun with alcohol and then you devote your life to making sure nobody else can have fun with alcohol, that would be interesting. And I didn't mean it as a joke, I was just observing. And he goes, I have that gene. What? And like, nobody else commented on it, but I'm still thinking about that. I should have asked a follow up question and I guess I could find his phone number. It's public record, so if anybody wants to just remind me to send Joji Suzuki a message about like, hey, did you ever think about what I said that time? If you remember me, that would be appreciated. Anyways, so there was this psychologist who was a famous neuropsychologist and he was the world's expert in diagnosing adhd. And everybody was really bored during his talk because we just had a really incredible talk from the guy who was the forensic psychiatrist in the Odd thing. Now, if you want a Wikipedia, the Oddfather case was where the, I believe it's the Gambino crime family, the Godfather, the head mafioso, faked insanity as a means to not have to go to jail for racketeering, which is essentially racketeering, is when you run the Mafia. So this older fellow, this great professor, was giving us the, this lecture about how he was able to figure out and catch him that he wasn't crazy. And it was like a schmuck three hour lecture. And like he's a great speaker and he's explaining to us how to testify and how much money you can make testifying and how interesting it is you can meet all these cool people, like crime bosses. So we just sat through that and then they bring in this famous neuropsychologist who is trying to tell us about how to ask people questions if they have adhd. And that was boring. So about five or six minutes into it, you know, I just had a moment of Navua or whatever you want to call it, like just, I felt like bilum the edition just put the words in my mouth and I said, what was the greatest single act of destruction that ever happened to your office? This is like a funny question to ask this guy. Like. And he was like, what? And I just like, what is this single greatest. I'm sitting there surrounded by like really smart colleagues who are just like brilliant people. One of these guys is the head psychiatrist of the CIA in Taiwan. What does that mean? Guys who are now heads of hospitals, department chairs, working for major pharmaceutical companies and they're just doing amazing things. These were my colleagues. And then three guys who came out of the closet and torched their marriages. If I'm thinking about Josh, anyways, whatever. So. But I'm with these really smart people and I just look at this other really smart professor. I'm just like, hey man, you heard me. What was the single greatest act of destruction that ever happened to your office? And he just went with it. He just says, well, I'll tell you, it's not a question. It's not some guy who, you know, didn't pick the toilet seat up. It's not some guy who went ahead and put chewing gum on my rug. He says, there was once a case of a 13 year old kid who came into my office and did the single greatest act of destruction that ever happened to my office. And everybody's like, whoa, you had a traumatic act experience, let's hear about it. So he says, this kid came in, he didn't want to be there sitting in the waiting room. He draws up like this where the waiting room is on the whiteboard and then where his office is, how you get in. And so he's sitting in the waiting room. I say to this kid, hey, come on in, let's start with your evaluation to see if you have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, sort of. And kid says, no. He says, well, I'll be waiting for you when you're ready. So the kid's sitting outside, says, I'm there doing my paperwork, doing lots of paperwork. And then the kid is still sitting outside playing on a game Boy. And I said, hey, kid, come on in. Let's start your evaluation. The kid didn't want him. So I said, said, hey, kid, your dad already paid for it, so, you know, you don't have to come in. I got paid anyways. And apparently the kid got upset, and he said, fine, I'll come in, but I'm going to go to the bathroom first. Little did I know what the kid was doing in the bathroom. So apparently what the kid was doing in the bathroom was that he locked the door and took paper towels stuffed up the sink and turned it on. He took paper towels, stuffed up the urinal and then wedged the flusher down. And they took paper towels stuffed up the toilet and then wedged the handle down. And so it started flooding the bathroom in this guy's fancy office. And the water just starts coming out. At some point, there's enough water whereby the kid, like. He's like, I'm going to stay here when this water overflows. It's gross. So he opens the door, and the doctor's like, well, you come in. He goes, just one more minute. Just got to wash my hands. And then, like, the water starts flowing out onto the nice oriental rugs, and then, like, down out of the office into the stairs of the office building, and there's just, like, water flowing everywhere. And the doc comes out and he's like, kid, are you coming? And he's like, just one more sec. And he's smiling and enjoying himself. And then the doctor's like, well, you know, kid, are you coming out? And he goes, yeah, well, can you. Something wrong with your bathroom? You want to come check it out? And the doc runs out, psychologist runs out, and the kid sees him running. And this was the first time, apparently the kid heard an adult swear. So that was pretty exciting. But the psychologist says, like, I was just out of. I didn't know what to do. I felt bad. I swore in front of a patient. It was terrible, but what could I do? I was. He was destroying my office, and obviously kid was just getting started. So the guy runs into the bathroom and starts, like, unwedging the urinal flusher and the toilet flusher and the sink. He's turning it off. And he's like covered in toilet water because it was pretty high due to the gradient of the door entrance Y thing, you know what I'm talking about? Anyways, so the kid runs in to the office and locks the door and apparently pushed a chair and tipped over one of the bookshelves in front of it. So at some point the psychologist comes back and he starts banging the door. And he's like, let me in. And the kid, you know, when I'm ready. You said that we could get started when I was ready. And it didn't bother you that we weren't getting started because your dad had already paid for it. And the psychologist says, I knew I shouldn't have said that. That was such a junior move. And so the psychologist said, he's banging on the door for like five, ten minutes, and then he starts to hear the shredder working. Now, shredder was something that, like back in the day that when there were paper files, that when you were done with your paper files and in order to protect confidentiality, you drop them into a shredder and shred the door. So the doc hears this, the psychologist hears this, and he's like, why is the shredder running? What are you doing? He says, well, I'm just shredding whatever you were working on is on your desk. And he goes, please don't do that. And the kid said, well, what would you like me to shred next? Like your degrees that are on the wall or like the pictures that your kids drew for you or just like the medical files? You can tell me where to start because we have two hours before my dad comes back. And the psychologist said, like, you know, at that point I thought, should I call the fire department, the police? But that would be embarrassing. So I decided to try and pay. Reverse psychology. And he says. And so I told the kid, it doesn't matter. You can shred whatever you'd like. You're the one who's responsible for your actions. And he says, but it didn't really work with this kid because he was just shredding everything. And. And then at some point, the shredder stopped working. The psychologist says. And he said, I didn't realize what it was, but I imagine just from the beeping of, you know, the old computers, that he was deleting all the files on my computer. And after about an hour of this, the guy psychologist says, I stopped fighting. I just lay down by the door and I was crying. And he said, the kid just walked out. At one point, close to three hours later when the appointment would have been over. And he just said, thank you so much for a very meaningful diagnostic evaluation. And, and then just like went out to his dad's car, drove home, like very nonchalantly. And so the psychologist said, you know, you don't forget things like that, but you don't forget the single greatest act of destruction to your office. And I said, like, how much did that run you? He said, well, you know, oriental rug in the hall, calling plumbers like reek routing, industrial cleaning. The amount of time I had to rewrite letters and notes and I had to go through all my files and try and have a hard drive reinstated. I had to pick up the books from the shelf that he had knocked over. I said, I bet you were nice to that kid, you know, and I was. Kids like him moving forward, you probably learned your lesson. He said, I actually just moved into research after that. That's why I'm here talking about, you know, the up to date research of the diagnosis and assessment of adhd. So I asked what became of that kid, just said, I don't know, maybe he became like a stand up comedian or something. But I sometimes think about the things that drove me towards psychiatry and I think about how I'm very grateful that I have the guidance of good mentors, my parents, who are very loving and accepting, irrespective what bill they received for diagnostic services. There's only one guy who gets this. Okay? So I think that. There's a level of choice when it comes to post traumatic growth as opposed to post traumatic stress disorder. It's not a choice, like nobody wants to have ptsd. Nobody, nobody wants to suffer and let everything that they've been through break them down. But it is possible to take the difficult experiences that one has had in their life and to use them as a catalyst to be much greater than they ever were. I was with my kids on Shabbos and, and you know, we just talk about interesting questions. Like we don't do parsha sheets because that's torture. So we do just questions and like we think together. So we're thinking about, you know, if Hashem loves Avraham Avinu, why is he torturing him? Like, didn't just give him a hard time once, gave him a hard time 10 times and a really hard time 10 times. Big Nasebo shalom guy. He says, naseebo shalom. My kids have heard it like 500 times. They're like, don't you have another answer by now? Like, we've been hearing this for like 10 years. But Nasli, no seis, like, these are tests to raise you up. I don't mean to put psychology terms on the agos, but when you've had a really hard life and you're still in the game, that's not called ptsd. That's called post traumatic growth. That's about having had a difficult experience, trying to just tread water when you got to tread water, asking for help when you feel like you can't tread water, and then trying to make sense of it and become a better swimmer so that way you don't drown by it. And I think very frequently about the pain that I saw and experience from those stories and other stories and how I try to ask what do I do with that? Like, survive. That's good. Survival is great and survival is hard. And if you're just surviving, you're on fire. Like, God bless you for just surviving being alive. But if you have the ability to, and you have the time and the mentorship and the place for it to try and think about, what can I take from this to make me a better me? Like, and who is me and how do I get it from these experiences? What do I learn about myself? What do I learn about other people? What do I learn about who I want to be? And sometimes just who I don't want to be. If we can do that, it's extraordinarily powerful. And to know the pain of loss and then to try and think about how I can try and help other people not to experience that loss, I don't think that I would have been able to do that had I not had some of the experiences that I had over the course of my life. And maybe that's why I became a psychiatrist. And that's a weird story for the lazy people at just one chesed, but I think it's maybe a story that might ring a bell for some folks who are here that have had some interesting life experiences that Lord knows they didn't choose and that they definitely don't want to have again. But that with a bit of perspective, there might be some lessons to take from it to think about not only again, who do I not want to be, but who maybe do I want to be? And not what I'm not capable of, but maybe what I am capable of. And most importantly to consider at this time, when we read about Avraham Avinu and we're like, avraham, oh man, how did you do this? How did you have the koa for this, to think about how we've had these experiences ourselves. But why don't we say, I'm on fire. I can't believe I'm still standing. This is wonderful. This is incredible. Instead, we have a tendency to look at ourselves and say, I'm a failure. I'm a broken cleave. I'm a disaster. I'm a bad person. I just looked at something I shouldn't have. I just touched something I shouldn't have touched. I just did that. But if you did that to your buddy and said, hey, man, you just did something you shouldn't have done, and you're a bad person and you're a broken cleave, you probably wouldn't have any teeth. So why is it that we do it to ourselves? And I think being in a loving place such as this, where Mahmish, you can feel it, I feel like I just came home. Like, this is incredible to be here. And sometimes we forget it when we're there all day long. I mean, I'm in Yerushalayim all day long, and I just. Sometimes I'm just walking and I'm just like, whoo, Yerushalayim. There you go. And then I drive into a stop sign, whatever it might be. But there's a lesson there, too, which is don't text and drive, even though it's kind of like time travel, which is incredible because you're just there. And now you've guessed for shabby and you've signed up for an exercise program, and that's so much better than sitting in traffic for two hours trying to get here. So, you know, there's lessons to be learned from everything, I guess, is what I'm saying. And if we can have a bit of perspective, which is, again, impossible in the moment, but very possible when we have good mentorship and we're in a loving, growth focused environment, it is possible to think about how I can take my experiences, make sense of them, and have a bit of direction and a bit of fuel in my tank to maybe be an even more successful, more functional, or at least more hopeful person down the road than I feel like I am in the current moment. So thank you so much again for making this place feel like home. That's on everybody. Yeah, it's on the top, but it's also in the middle, on the bottom, wherever anybody sees themselves here. This is a legendary place with a ton of opportunity for thinking, mentorship and just processing what happened and what I want to make sure happens next with that information. So bless everybody. Thank you so much. [00:47:37] Speaker C: I don't know if anybody has any questions. I know I have a question, but if somebody has a question. Yeah, yeah, go up. [00:47:48] Speaker I: I came to up late, and you mentioned something about, like, pain is a kapara and there could be, like, pain in the head. [00:47:56] Speaker C: That was me. We'll talk tomorrow about that. Okay, good. [00:48:02] Speaker H: No, no, we're good. [00:48:03] Speaker I: So [00:48:04] Speaker C: you could address that. [00:48:06] Speaker I: I. I did want to ask. [00:48:10] Speaker H: You're good, man. You got a lot on your plate. You're good. It's all good. It's all good. [00:48:15] Speaker I: How does one, like, slow down? Like, you just said, what happened happened. And what do you do next? So how does. How does one, like, slow down a bit? And instead of every time, he slows down, just, like, gets back going, like, how do you slow your brain down? [00:48:29] Speaker H: Great. That's a really important question is how do I actually take stock of where I am? So I don't know anything about you. We'll just talk about human beings. Every single successful human being that we think about, from Steve Jobs to the Rambam to Napoleon, whoever your hero is, whoever you're thinking about, keeps a journal. They write down their thoughts. Now, dictating your thoughts is good. It's very, very good. In fact, it's fantastic. And kola kavod, if you dictate your thoughts, that's very, very important. But when we write down our thoughts and our experiences and our hopes and dreams, when we write them down, think about how many different parts of your brain you're using when you write. That's motor, okay? So that's the muscles of doing. Then you see it in front of your face. So. So that's a big part of your brain, the visual cortex. Then you're actually hearing it both as you're saying it out loud when you're writing it down, but even just the sound of the pen on paper, then you're experiencing the sensory part of holding the pen and doing the action itself. You're also thinking about the future as you're doing it, which involves planning how many parts of the. Of your brain, the verbal part of your brain as well, because it's language. How many parts of your brain are involved in then processing what's happening and what's happened and what we hope will happen. Writing a journal is good because sometimes it just flows out and you don't even know that that was something that was important to you from a week ago. Writing a journal is important because it gives us data points when we review it, moving forward. And writing a journal is important because it allows us to have some self accountability. Because we see that two weeks ago I said I was going to start doing something. Where is it? So keeping a journal is something that's useful for everybody. Doing things like exercising and not drinking until you're wearing somebody else's underwear on your head are really good for the brain as well. So is music, so is mindfulness meditation, so is eating healthy. But if you can do things to keep your brain healthy, you'll be able to slow down your thinking, improve your memory, and have a better chance of thinking about what's important and then how to get. I also encourage people to have life, okay, that doesn't have to be a therapist or a ranbi, but somebody who's also working on making big choices, big decisions, and to try and have some practical accountability. In the same way that if you were morning seder havousa, you're more likely to show up just because you feel like, hey, I got to do this. If you're having a life seder havusa, where you're thinking about making decisions and choices and how can I go ahead and grow to be a more productive member of society, you're likely to have some accountability there as well. And that can be very helpful. Those are just some basic thoughts. I don't know about brain pain and kabaras. Those are far beyond me. The only Kabbalah I know is about the eyeball monsters. And I think that will. When people selectively think about eyeball monster Kabbalah, that, that's kind of batting in the big leagues when you don't know how to see the curve. So I'd advise people not to focus on the cabal of eyeball monsters and just try to, you know, wake up early in the morning, exercise, be a man, productive things to do. And, you know, if you can see the eyeball monsters, you gotta stop doing drugs. Yisroel, this role's not my patient, so I can make that comment. He's just my, my soul brother. I love him. That's. So much. I love you. Go ahead. [00:53:23] Speaker I: Do you think that there's a place that instead of like prescription medications, anxiety or [00:53:29] Speaker J: antidepressant that can be [00:53:30] Speaker K: substituted just mental health work, or do you think [00:53:33] Speaker L: certain people will need. [00:53:34] Speaker H: I think you're asking such an important question. So the question is, you know, why is it that we would take medications if we can do the work that would facilitate the same end result? You know, Nehemiad El Kesufa is a real problem, you know, Lafum, Sarah Agra, whatever we want to call it, no pain, no gain. If people are just looking for quick fixes, that's a massive problem because then there's no stake in the game, there's no Rios. And when there is a change, nobody's going to feel like a match. Is that a fair, quick answer? I think the problem is that people have very unrealistic expectations of what psychiatric medications can do and can't do. Psychiatric medications can help some people some of the time with some of their problems. I just want to say that again because I think it's a really important Psychiatric medications can help some people some of the time with some of their problems. Meaning that psychiatric medications don't fix your relationship with your parents. Psychiatric medications don't give you meaningful daily structure. Psychiatric medications don't make peace between you and your community. Psychiatric medications don't make you stronger, smarter, funnier, less bald, whatever it is. And this is a really important yesode. Psychiatric medications do a very good job in some people for allowing them to do those things, for allowing them to be in a place where they can tolerate a bit more distress, to make peace with people in their lives that have wronged them, to make peace with the community and to find good things during the day to keep them busy. Psychiatric medications will make people less anxious and less depressed, but they won't give people courage or happiness. Psychiatry. This is a famous quote from Martin Seligman, who's really, really good person for everybody. Read about father of positive psychology. Psychiatry has always been about the removal of misery. It was never about making people happy. Psychiatry takes suicidal people and makes them less suicidal, psychotic people and makes them less delusional, people with OCD and anxiety, less nervous. But it doesn't fill their life with positivity. It doesn't make them engaged in what they're doing. It doesn't fix relationships, it doesn't provide meaning and it doesn't give a sense of achievement. But when we know this and we've had this discussion and then we think about the benefits and risks which are significant, both of them. And in many times the greatest risk is the shame a person feels of taking the medication or the loss that they experience from not taking a medication. But when we think about the pros and cons of this and about the limitations, then all of a sudden it's not a crutch or a band aid or a quick fix. Rather than this is one of many tools in my arsenal to be a more productive me. This is one of many things that I'm doing to be my best self. This is one of many parts of my healing journey. The data is very clear. It's probably best in anxiety disorders like ocd, trauma, panic attacks, hypochondriasis, and the love. But if you give people with 10 out of 10 anxiety medication for their anxiety, their 10 out of 10 anxiety will go down to being about a 7 out of 10. If you give people with 10 out of 10 anxiety cognitive behavioral therapy, which is the treatment of choice for anxiety disorders, their anxiety will go down to about a 7 or 8 out of 10. And that's great. That's great because when you're at 10 out of 10, you can't breathe. When you're at 7 out of 10, you're miserable. But you can get through life. However, people that get both the medication and a therapeutic process, they get down to about a 1, 2 or 3 out of 10. Now you might say, doc, you're bad at math. And the answer is yes, please don't rub it in. But there's also an additive effect. The medications grease the wheels to do a deeper, more meaningful therapeutic process. Which is why oftentimes people will tell me, I already tried medicine. They didn't help me. I said, did you try medicine and therapy? Or they'll say, I already tried therapy, didn't help me. I'll say, did you try therapy with medication? They're converses. They work together and a healthy lifestyle works together as well. People who are drinking and smoking pot all day long, it's very, very hard to do a meaningful skills path therapy because your brain is clouded. It's very, very hard for the medicine to take effect because no matter how powerful standard antidepressants and anti anxiety medications are, they're no way as powerful as stopping binge drinking on a nightly basis as stopping smoking pot on a nightly basis. The chemical change that you get from a medicine is so much less powerful than the chemical change that you get from serious substance use. Those are some brief thoughts. Was that helpful or you want to clarify anything there? You're good. Happy birthday, bro. [00:59:49] Speaker C: That's why he answered a lot of. [00:59:51] Speaker H: But we're. We're not in a rush. We're good. I. The restraining order is yet to be lifted. So I can't go home? No, I'm just saying, like, if. If you want to talk about this until like Thursday. Oh, slow. I'm cool. Friday. [01:00:11] Speaker A: I know. Sorry. [01:00:12] Speaker C: Go, go. [01:00:13] Speaker M: That's [01:00:13] Speaker A: gross. [01:00:14] Speaker J: What's the best way to go about changing [01:00:18] Speaker N: what was the question, [01:00:20] Speaker H: do you want to be more specific? Okay. What is the best way to go about changing a habit? So let's do a nice sound bite. You can't have a solution unless you have a problem. You don't have a problem until you identify it. So first you have to say, this is a problematic habit. This is a problematic behavior. This is a problematic relationship. This is a problematic interaction. Until you've done that, why would you change? Why does anybody do anything? Here's a good philosophical question for you guys. Why does anybody do anything? There's two big reasons, Meyer. Because they want to or because somebody makes them do it. It. That's why people do stuff. Because somebody made them do it or because they want to do it. Fair? You with me, brother? Yeah. Okay. So nobody's going to make you give up a habit. Unless your habit is doing crack cocaine in the dorm rooms and then assaulting your roommates. They might make you give that up. But if your habit is checking the price of Ethereum at 4 in the morning while making moaning noises, that's probably something that people would be too embarrassed to confront you about. And those are your eyeball monsters. So. So why would somebody stop smoking? The answer is because they want to. And there's a very interesting thing that folks can research if they want to, which is called motivational interviewing. Motivational interviewing is the science of behavioral change, whereby we as a field, psychology, social work, psychiatry, mental health as a field, we've realized that it doesn't matter if I think it's a good idea for you to change your behavior. If I tell you you got to stop drinking, you have a drinking problem, you're going to say, I don't really care. If you decide you want to stop drinking, then I don't really care what your reason is. If you tell me I want to stop drinking, Doc, can you help me? I'll say, oh, is it because of three DUIs? You'll say, no, actually, it was four. Four. And I have a good lawyer, plus I have a bus pass. If you tell me like, doc, I want to stop drinking, I'm like, oh, is it because you got divorced? You were like, no, I got punch card with the attorney. I have three fourth one is free. If I say, so why do you want to stop drinking? Is it because you have liver problems? And you're like, you can get a liver transplant. Plus that's cool off somebody else's liver. Inside of my body. How many other people can say that? That's a cool starter. It's good for shidouching. It's an interesting story. So if I'm like, well, why do you want to stop drinking? And you're like, I don't know because like my dog ran away when I was drunk and like I feel kind of dumb because like I just hanging up signs that say, have you seen my dog call me because I'm a drunk? That would be maybe a reason to stop. And then it's not. So we're never going to drink again. We're going to go to AA group. You're going to take this medicine that's going to decrease your cravings. You're going to have a sponsor. You're going to check into this program. I'm an expert in psychiatry. But you're an expert in drinking. In you. Who said that? Exactly. Are you an expert in him or you're an expert in you? Yeah. So I'm an expert in psychiatry and that's why I'm happy to answer any questions that you have. But you're an expert in you. So you need to tell me about you. What are the things that you know about yourself that are going to help you to be successful? And what are the things that you don't really know about? What are the options? What are the different tools out there? That's a great question. The emeses. I say that to people because I also want to build them up when they're ready to make a change in their life because people need to feel a sense of agency and a. That they can actually facilitate change in their life. But I will tell folks, a lot of times, you know, on one hand I'm hearing no, I believe that it is true because no matter how. This is just a problem. No, no, it's just a problem. I already have a salam letter to. Oh, no, it's not. [01:05:07] Speaker C: Put it there in case he wants to. I want. [01:05:12] Speaker H: So. So what? Can you have it? You don't want my herpes? Yeah, it's. It's more just stick. For what purpose? Just for stick. Would it make me feel. Are you an expert in you? That would be very meaningful for you. So if it's not meaningful for you, I don't need to do it. The answer is I believe that no matter how little you think you know about yourself, you still know infinitely more than I do. Especially because. Let's just be practical. This is the first time we're meeting. I know you for 45 minutes. You know yourself for 25 years. Okay, maybe I've met you every week for the past six months, you still know a heck of a lot about yourself compared to what I know. We meet for an hour a week. That means that you have 167 more hours each week than I have with you. But that's why we're talking about a process to learn more and we might actually get collateral information. Who else do you think loves you that would like to see you be successful? That could be a part of this discussion. And then I'll do things that are based on science to help people to be successful. So anybody who wants to make a change in their life, we should think about smart goals. Is this familiar to anybody? Smart goals? Yeah. You want to teach? I would love if you would [01:06:52] Speaker O: teach. [01:06:54] Speaker H: Say it loud. You should be proud. This is good, man. You know what you're doing. Say it. [01:06:57] Speaker P: Specific. Measurable. Attainable. [01:07:01] Speaker Q: Realistic. Timely. [01:07:03] Speaker H: Wrong. It's achievable. Not attainable. I'm just kidding. It's attainable. So what do we mean by these goals? So smart goals, specific meaning it's not something like I'm going to try and drink less. Because that's not very specific. If I say I am not going to drink before 4am, I'm not going to drink during the week, I'm not going to drink hard alcohol. That is a specific thing. Now we want it also to be measurable. Yes or no? Again, I'm going to drink less. How do we measure that? But if we say something to the effect of I'm not going to smoke pot before 9pm Then it's if you smoke pot at 8:59, you didn't get there. But if you made it till 9pm you did. Achievable. Also, we don't want to go with I'm never going to drink again. You know, AA is really good about this. Make it to midnight sober. Just one more night. Just one more day. One day at a time. But we want it to be one achievable thing so that way we can build success. And also feel like I mentioned the process because again, if you don't feel like you know yourself but you're doing little steps, you're more likely to be successful. Realistic. Similar to attainable. They go together and then timely. If it's not right now, when's it going to be? Because I always tell folks when they come in and I know they're going to need to go to a program, I say, hey man, give me your shoes. And they'll say, why? Anybody know this one? This is a real thing. Anybody know this When I know that a guy's going to have to go to a program, I'll say, hey man, can I have your shoes? Take off your shoes. Don't track mud in. Anybody know the answer to this? You know this and anybody. Why do we take off our shoes? So that way when the guy runs or jumps out the window or tries to escape, it's like, hey, there's a guy running around without shoes. He's easily identifiable. Like, there you go. Also, it's hard to run without shoes and not hurt your feet. So most people probably ain't gonna do that. You have to be really dedicated to avoiding going to a program to run around barefoot. So measurable. Like we want it to be really black and white. Like, did you drink hard alcohol or not? Did you throw a bet or not? Then timely again, if it's not tonight, it's hard. So I again, I always tell guys, by the time you step out of my office, you're down to about 75% that you're actually going to do this. By the time you get down the stairs, you're at about 50%. So let's make the commitment now to whatever it's going to be, even if it's only, I'm not going to smoke pot before 6pm that would be a huge victory for guys that smoke all day long and all night long because at least now you have moments of clarity. At least now you're able to get some stuff done during the day. For guys that drink every single night and get wasted every single night, if we can limit it to three drinks, that could be a tremendous success. But we want to start now. What are we going to do now? Okay, you want to go to a meeting? When I meet guys and they want to go to a meeting, I'll say, do I have your permission to go ahead and to FaceTime? A friend of mine who goes to meetings and has been sober for 15 years and he's happy to come pick you up and take you to a meeting. Because if we don't do it now, yeah, I'll take the number. I'll go ahead and I'll make that call. Yeah, yeah, maybe in a week I'll be ready. It's about finding what you are ready to do now. Was that helpful? Cool. Good luck stopping smoking cigarettes. One really big thing that I do want to say and if people ask me what's my biggest beef with AA, my biggest, biggest beef with 12 step program, and this is a really important one and I'm happy to have this out. But when you relapse now, you're back to day one. I don't think so. I think that you've done amazing things. And forgive me for actually teaching a bit of Kabbalah here, but there's two separate bank accounts. There's the mitzvah account and there's the Avera account. And no amount of Avera wipes out the mitzvahs. It just doesn't work like that. Just because you relapse doesn't mean that. That you're back to nothing. You've actually done tremendous things by being clean for three weeks. And if you go on a bender tonight, which I hope you don't, but if you do, that doesn't mean that tomorrow you're still not on fire. And now you're a guy who knows I have the ability to go three weeks because I'm fantastic. [01:11:54] Speaker J: I will say, like, I'm asking because the past year, I say, like around 80% of the year, I've been off [01:11:59] Speaker Q: nicotine. There's a million. I keep going [01:12:01] Speaker J: back to it. And I know why I go back to them. Like, there's something in part of me that's like, is it at that point a habit [01:12:07] Speaker G: or is it more? [01:12:09] Speaker H: This is a longer story, but what I really would say is why is it that the focus is on the 20% where you were doing things that you didn't want to do, as opposed to the 80% where you were on fire? And I'd ask you if you went ahead and you acted that way towards somebody that, you know, look loved and cared about, no matter how much you know, love and care about them, they'd sock you. So why is it that we can't turn that love, respect and understanding to ourselves? That's a really, really big one to, like, put that on the shelf. Got to think about that long. If I'm a guy who is focused on on my failures, it will be impossible to get the gas together. [01:13:03] Speaker R: But you're not [01:13:03] Speaker H: going to sell the car just because the oil has to be changed. And if you are going to sell the car, you're not going to sell it for 50% of what it's worth just because the oil's got to be changed. What is selling is saying that I'm that dude who like 20% of me is bad when we walk in. Hi, I'm that dude who 20% of me is bad. This is a real thing. When I sit with folks, oftentimes, if I know that I have the time for it and it's not an immediate crisis. I'll say, tell me what's the story? And they'll say, well, you know, I got anxiety. I was abused when I was a kid. I take this medicine. I'm addicted. Tell me something good, man. Like, can we start with the rest of. Like, can we just say, do you have hobbies? You have strengths, you have friends? Are you courageous? Are you good at basketball? Are you good at guitar? Let's just find, like, tell me something good about yourself. And then when I meet people for follow up, I'll always tell them. They'll say, dax, it's not working. Can we start with some good stuff about the past three weeks? Like, anything good. Nothing is good. And it's an exercise. This isn't Rab Nachman and the Kuda Tova. Like, we're not going there. Not because it's a bad place to go, but we're talking practical, positive psychology. It's very hard to be a functional member of society if you are a pessimist. Pessimists, glass half empty guys that are always seeing the negative. It is very hard to have meaningful relationships. People who are pessimists experience more chronic pain. They die younger, they're less likely to have gainful employment, they're less likely to stay married, they are less likely to avoid addiction. They are less likely to survive a heart attack. These are real data. So when we get in the habit of saying good, it's not to ignore the bad, but, like, let's keep it in context so that way it's not overwhelming. I know that you want to push me harder on this, but just take that as like an introduction and read Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman. Can I have your steroids? I just want your schadelmacher, man. You're like, you're killing it compared to this guy. Thank [01:15:29] Speaker S: you. Wondering, why do you think that [01:15:33] Speaker T: negativity is so automatic and not [01:15:37] Speaker N: just for some people, [01:15:50] Speaker T: At least without having once. [01:15:55] Speaker H: Okay, when you've met default positivity, people try to think of one, two or three of them. When you've met default positivity, people try to think about how awesome it is to be around them no matter what the circumstances. Not fake positivity, but like people that really see the good in other people, that really know how to make lemonade out of lemons, that really can make it happen. Think about these people, everybody. Go ahead. Think about these people that are default positivity. It's just awesome to be with them. I mean, I'm in the dala damos of, you know, a very prominent person who's a default positivity person. And I want to say that again without putting him on the spot. I'm sure he works on it. I'm sure he works on it not just in the past, but I'm sure he works on it all day long. It's not easy, but it's a possibility. And if you realize how much you get out of it, your life is better and you'll prioritize it again. You can watch a TED Talk. Martin Seligman, State of Positive Psychology could die. But it is a thing that we can all work on. And unfortunately, we are in an environment that focuses on failures. Because people are mean and miserable. And I hope that you will take that experience of having grown up with a lot of mean, miserable, negative, pessimistic people and say, I don't want to be that dude. And you can't change the world, can't change your community, can't change your family, but you can change yourself. And then it's the tzanzer rub. You change yourself. You have ashpa on your dalitamos on your family, your neighborhood, the people you interact with. And then you start to change the community. And then the world changes a bit. You can bring a lot of positivity if you focus on it. And if you're consistently working on it, people really will see it. And it's infection. But it's a big thing thinking about, do you only give your kids a prize and a high five and put 100 on a test up on the refrigerator? Or do you not even look at the test and you just say, hey, I'm so glad you came home. What do you want to do today? Why make it about only if you did good and then there's nothing if you did did bad, why not talk about the process? Why not experience that? I got a flat tire at the beach on Isrohad. I had such a good day at the beach with my family. It was incredible. It was so much fun. We were just like, running around, chucking frisbees, finding crabs, like, swimming, surfing. It was just incredible. And then I came back and there was a flat tire. And I was like, don't let this run. Don't let this ruin it. Don't do it. And then one of my sons was like, I got this. And it was so amazing. And we were. It was actually the most fun part of the day to try and fix this tire together. That. That made it meaningful. Not everything before. So it's something you got to work on, you got to be aware of. But when we're talking about PTSD versus PTG and about how experiences can teach me about who I want to be, not just break me, then if you feel like this is a big theme by you, just like, man, negativity is heavy. Why is it that that's all we got? This is a thing that you can work on. And they're practical exercises that work. Writing down one victory a day in 30 days will make you a more positive person on psychological testing. Thinking of a trusted mentor who you love, and handwriting a thank you letter to them, citing explicit examples of the good things they taught you, and then handing it to them will make you a happier person for months after that event. If that's the only thing that you do, this is shown in reliable research. So there are practical things that you can do to be a more positive, optimistic person. And it's good for you physically, not just emotionally. Like, you will be a more resilient person to heart attack. Machla Rahmana Slaytzlar. You'll be in a healthier place and able to be more resilient. Go ahead. Mayor. You showed me where the bathroom is, ladies and gentlemen. Mayor. That's why we're still talking an hour and a half later, because Mayor showed me. Otherwise we would have been done 40 minutes ago. [01:20:52] Speaker U: Two things that you said. One [01:20:54] Speaker V: was you get a point of individuals [01:20:57] Speaker U: knowing themselves better than anyone else. I asked you if that was the case. For example, if I went to you, [01:21:23] Speaker H: Maybe I would help you to know more about yourself. What if you. What if you know more about yourself than anybody else else and you know, you give yourself a 5 out of 10 or even better, you give yourself an 8 out of 10. I know myself 8 out of 10. Why wouldn't you want to get to know yourself? 9 out of 10. 10 out of 10. [01:21:55] Speaker U: Human conditions have recognition, [01:21:57] Speaker W: understanding that they was, like, [01:21:59] Speaker H: not able to understand. I think I see where you're going. No, no, no, Mayor. I see where you're going. And it's. This is good. I think a big piece of it is recognizing when it seems like the person in front of me is acting emotionally and it's stopping them from living according to their value. And we don't oftentimes know that we're angry until we already put our fists through somebody's windshield. We don't oftentimes know that I'm sad until I've just been sitting in my room watching YouTube shorts for the past Hour and a half. We don't know that I'm feeling nervous until my chest is beating, and I'm wondering if I'm having a heart attack. So a big piece of the fact that you know yourself is just somebody helping you to focus and to peel away a lot of the emotions and to focus on the values. So, again, it's a. It's a deeper process and a longer answer, but I think that's one big piece of it, is trying to peel away the emotional response and to think about what caused that emotional response and to know it before it happens. [01:23:12] Speaker U: Right. So I guess I don't know if I'm understanding you, but I would say there are obviously conscious and subconscious. I would say [01:23:20] Speaker X: think is [01:23:21] Speaker U: that people know consciousness much more than they [01:23:24] Speaker Y: understand. [01:23:28] Speaker U: The subconscious much more. And I think that's. I think that's a very big part of what makes us who we are. But. And a lot of times, things are starting to go on [01:23:37] Speaker H: autopilot. No, no, you're saying good stuff. But I would peel away the shrinky language, and I would rather say that when a person is in fight, flight, or flee mode, when a person is experiencing intense emotion, then the amygdala shuts off the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex via the cingulate tract, which is all interneurons, providing a direct connection of inhibitory stimulus via gaba. And, well, the point of this is that it's complicated. But what I'm saying practically is that when we're deep into emotion, a lot of times it turns off the rational part of our brain as a survival mechanism. So it's pure neurology. And so the challenge is that we oftentimes don't realize we're being emotional because we're just in fight or flight. So it's just about, let's get it done, let's survive, let's make this happen. So on a practical level, we try to recognize signs, symptoms, feelings, and telltale stuff. I know that I'm nervous when my left leg starts to shake. So that was something that I learned from a mentor when I was a kid. Playing sports is like, you are way too nervous to take a foul shot right now because your leg is shaking. So I said, what do you mean? He says, your leg shaking. You do that when you're nervous. So it's about recognizing when emotion is clouding rational act. And this is one of the basic skills of cognitive behavioral therapy, is separating emotions from values. A lot of times we also see this with spirituality. People who are stressed out they feel unconnected to their learning, unconnected to their dobbining, unconnected, connected to being in yeshiva, wherever it is. But it's because there's a lot of intense emotion and has nothing to do with yeshiva. It has nothing to do with davening, nothing to do with anything. They're just not in a place where they can do anything that requires rationality, spirituality, logic, humor, and other things that have to do with the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. [01:25:47] Speaker U: But [01:25:48] Speaker H: you were asking great questions, Mayor. I just. [01:25:54] Speaker U: You said that pessimists versus an optimist. Do you not believe that people are born by nature [01:26:00] Speaker W: in pessimists? And therefore you're saying, [01:26:03] Speaker H: have you ever seen an unhappy kid? I'm not talking about a kid who's crying because he needs his diaper change. But in general, kids are happy until people make them miserable. You know, the Magi talks about it like, we don't have to get into the history of Hasidis and also into neurodevelopmental stuff. Kids are happy when they have safe attachment. That's why being nice to your kids is important. And that's why it hurts so much when your parents aren't there for you. And that's why having great rebbes who love you is a reparative therapeutic process. No matter the fact that Rabbi Fischer shlita said, I don't know anything about therapy or treatment, but this is in the research of Bowlby and what's called attachment theory. But the basic concept that I want to get across is that there is inherent inborn pessimism. And some people are naturally and genetically more pessimistic. But as we said before to our buddy who was indicted member of the BALCO trials along with Barry Bonds, the cream and the clear were both used. We know that there are actual activities and exercises that a person can do to be more optimistic. And you might say, well, don't make me happy, but gets closer. Go ahead. Last [01:27:26] Speaker A: question, last question. [01:27:28] Speaker H: I got a question. Where's my XXL hoodie? Don't you guys know who I am? I'm the guy that always wears a hoodie every time I show up at a yeshiva or can. Ample. Hey, where you been? Where's my XXL hoodie? That's. That's like a large. I'm not going to take it off you and put it on. Go ahead. [01:27:51] Speaker Z: I was just wondering a question about addiction, seeing if you could. Is it possible for someone to have an addiction without. To have an addiction for craving pleasure instead of escaping uncomfortable emotions. [01:28:09] Speaker H: So addiction is complicated because there's a chemical component. Or in their [01:28:13] Speaker Z: head, is escape, is [01:28:14] Speaker H: that [01:28:15] Speaker AA: pleasure? [01:28:16] Speaker H: So it's possible to be chemically addicted. The question is just a broad stroke about addiction. That there's a difference between behavioral addictions and chemical addictions. And the two main things are called tolerance, withdrawal. And this is a longer conversation that we might do as a Hebrew at some point. But not necessarily. Not necessarily. And then we have to also ask, what about things like runner's high? And what about things like, you know, seeking Rochnius? So it's complicated. But I would say that in Jewish general. Things that I don't feel good about, that other people are concerned about. We should be concerned about them. I really appreciate everybody's time tonight. You can catch me on the way out. I'll be around. Thank [01:29:09] Speaker AB: you.